Don't Worry, Be Natural!
Tips to help parents navigate holiday stress
SOUTH BEND -- Whatever our beliefs and traditions, the winter
holidays are heartfelt and full of promise. Our families will be
together and happy; the children will be good and grateful; our partners
will be gracious mind readers; we will have enough time and enough
money; our spirits will be filled with peace and love.
Or not.
More likely, say the experts, the common holiday experience of adults
and children alike will be stress.
For children and young adults, unspoken anxieties can have deadly
consequences. Counselors report that this is the time of year when
students may be most likely to experience serious crises and to commit
or attempt suicide -- with the last day or two before the actual
Christmas and winter holiday break being the most crucial time.
For adults, especially parents, navigating the Christmas season and
winter holidays -- coping with disrupted work and caretaking schedules,
and stretching to achieve the ideal images bombarding them from every TV
screen and store shelf, on top of already hectic routines -- can leave
nerves and emotions scattered like so much glitter off a card. In the
best case, happy holidays often means managing the magic with a
migraine.
But Indiana University South Bend education professors J. Vincent
Peterson and Janette Shaw offer some strategies to combat stress and
help make the season pleasantly memorable.
"The first key is to be aware and acknowledge what the stressors
really are and what this time of year really takes out of a
person," said Peterson. Beyond the drain of money, energy and
emotions, parents are concerned about the values they are sustaining in
their family.
"We must be able to acknowledge that although we cling to the
idea that the family will spend the holiday together, everyone will get
along and it will be wonderful, with a good dinner and the gifts that
everyone wants, it's a rare family that gets together two or three years
in a row with the same members present and in the same
circumstances" he said. "Rather than a simple time, it's a
complex time, especially with the wide spectrum of families we have now.
"Another common denominator is grief. There are so many
underlying issues, losses such as the death of a family member, or a
pet, or divorce, a job loss, or a move away from friends or family, that
affect us," he added. "Our society expects us to grieve
quickly, to put on a 'smiley face,' but it's really a process that we
need to go through, no matter that it's the holidays."
In our materialistic society, parents or whoever is working in the
family work harder and maybe longer to buy what everyone wants.
"Communications, which may not have been great before, can be even
more difficult," Peterson said. "School is out and the kids
are often home alone with a lot of free time. The very resources and
facilities usually available to parents for activities for their
children are closed," he added.
So what's a parent to do? In this season of hype and hoopla, Peterson
suggests BE NATURAL. "It's a simple acronym to remind us that
especially at this time of year we have to take care of ourselves if we
are going to take care of others," he said. "Breathing deeply,
exercise, good nutrition, a positive attitude, time management,
remembering to make time to enjoy the uniqueness of our family,
relaxation, associations with various support systems, and laughter --
those are key ingredients to keeping healthy and managing stress.
"Stick the word 'no' on the phone if you are susceptible to
saying 'yes' to every request for your time," he added.
"Remember that what your family and your children really want most
is to spend time with you."
A major concern for working parents is keeping older children and
teenagers constructively engaged during the holidays and over school
breaks when they may be at home unsupervised. Helping them become
gainfully employed would be a high priority.
"With older children and teenagers, who are more aware of the
hassles the holidays may bring, parents need to watch for signs of
withdrawal and depression, and really work to keep the lines of
communication open," said Peterson. "But parents need to know
that they can and should call for help, to a school counselor before the
break or to a community mental health center, as soon as they think a
situation may be beyond their ability to handle."
Volunteer activities can provide opportunities for older teenagers
who have little money of their own but great resources in time and
energy which they want to use as contributors to the holiday spirit.
Most teens will need an adult to help coordinate their efforts, so
parents might network to help connect teens with nursing homes, homeless
shelters, and other charitable organizations which need assistance, and
provide car pool transportation if necessary.
Shaw pointed out that affirming messages can help keep connections
between busy parents and younger teens. "Affirmations might play
off the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' or the daily celebrations of Kwaanza
or Hanukkah," she said. "For example, the parent might leave a
message in a special trinket that says 'I am busy and I am doing things
for you, so I appreciate that you are carrying out your
responsibilities,' or, 'Enclosed is a shiny candy that represents the
sunshine that reflects my smile when you do a kind act.' Such messages
reinforce good, independent behavior."
Another idea is that the teenager could create a project with a
different element for each day.
For younger children, Shaw suggested that parents develop peer groups
and work out a networking support system in the neighborhood, through
the workplace or church for quality day care and activities suitable for
their ages. "Taking turns with neighbors or work colleagues to
provide day care or to take children on an outing can help a working
parent who can only take off a day or two during the holiday school
break," she noted. Visits to children's museums, story hours at
bookstores or at the local YWCA or YMCA, or activities offered by craft
shops provide new surroundings and engage children's imaginations.
Even though young children are still deep into the fantasy of the
season and believe in the possibilities of what might happen, they are
not immune to stress.
"Young children especially need to get out of the house or
apartment for regular full-body exercise to work off stress," said
Shaw.
Parents can avoid too much time with TV and video games by getting
children started in a hobby, particularly something that they may need
help with initially but can fall back on by themselves so that it
becomes their own creation. "Children are stressed because they
have no control," Shaw said. "They see Mom going haywire and
all kinds of activity going on, and they are often dragged along on
shopping expeditions or taken to events over which they have no control.
"I also would say to avoid sugar, of course," she said,
"but that wouldn't work for me, so why would I expect it to work
for kids? It's the holidays, after all."
BE NATURAL: The key to surviving the holiday
season
B -- Breathe deeply, it will help increase energy levels.
E -- Exercise: 20 minutes, three times a week -- and running
from errand to errand doesn't count!
N -- Nutrition: Three well-balanced meals each day.
A -- Attitude: Negative attitudes are contagious and
destructive. Try to see the glass half full.
T -- Time management: Set priorities and don't take on more
than you can handle.
U -- Uniqueness: Recognize and treasure your own uniqueness.
Say 'no' when necessary.
R -- Relaxation: Private time to read or listen to music -- a
time not to focus on the next item to do.
A -- Associations: Maintain contact with nurturing support
systems -- colleagues, friends, family.
L -- Laughter: Still the best medicine.
For more information, contact Joyce Ritchie, 219-237-4345, e-mail jritchie@vines.iusb.edu
